Alistar: Slam+flash+headbutt. Throw your enemies to the wolves (your teammates) and watch as they get devoured.
Amumu: Minimize your LoL window then hop on your live journal about how your depressed and no one understand what you're going through.
Anivia: Get a guardian angel, 4 warmogs, resurrection (the summoner skill) and a zilean. Watch as the enemy team curses in frustration.
Annie: Stand by cho'gath and subtly hint things concerning your orifaces and his tentacles. No one can play LoL one handed very well.
Ashe: Don't even touch your mouse and watch as ashe carries the entire team with her mere presence. Upon hitting level 18 ashe will automatically end the game in five minutes or less. Your only hope of surviving ashe is a server crash, which is quite common.
Blitzcrank: Spam rocket grab. You don't need any other skill because your rocket grab can grab a hero taking a dump at their main base all the way from bottom turret. If you want to add tactics, stand in the bushes before you rocket grab.
Cho'gath: Get six feasts, a guardian angel, 3 warmogs, an atma's impaler, and some boots then sit in a bush with a message that looks like this: "/all OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" Wait for a trist to walk by you, hit enter and make your presence known.
Corki: Don't die until you hit level 6 then spam rockets. Much like moths to heat the enemy team is drawn to the impact area of a corki missile. You will never miss because everyone is too stupid to dodge.
Evelynn: Pick evelynn then go to any lane you desire. Doesn't matter if you never go invisible, the enemy team will hug their towers for dear life even if they're up top, and you're on bottom.
Fiddlesticks: Die a lot and feed the enemy team because no one can play fiddlesticks for ****.
Gangplank: Find which vent the enemy team is using, get into their vent, set your microphone to echo your speakers, and blast this song:
Gragas: Leave the league, have your friend drive you to rehab, sober up, go home to your wife and kids, tell them you love them dearly and that you've given up drinking to keep what's left of your liver alive, then proceed to write a self help book called "The path to becoming clean". Live happily ever after.
Heimerdinger: Place a nest of turrets in bushes that will be used as a major trafficing area for either minions or heroes and rake in the gold. If you don't like turrets simply spam your pocket rocket as you don't need to aim it, the AP stack is ungodly, and your range is global.
Janna: Set up tornadoes everywhere. Doesn't matter where you put a tornado those things have such a wide area of effect that you can drop one at your nexus and still hit a hero in mid who saw it coming and ran to bot to dodge it.
Jax: Stack six phantom dancers. if you're feeling risky stack five phantom dancers and an infinity edge.
Karthus: Get magic pen, cooldown reduc, an archangel, then spam R. To keep your mana going, spamming Q might also be useful.
Kassadin: Kassadin doesn't exist to do anything useful, rather he exists to push so incredibly far into the enemy base that escape is impossible. At that point the enemy team is allowed to drop five exhausts, five slows, five stuns, five ults, and five ignites on you and you'll stick get away as long as you have ability cooldown and an index finger capable of hitting R a thousand times a second.
Katarina: Bouncing blades+shunpo+death lotus=profit
Kayle: See trynmadere.
Malphite: Do people actually play malphite?
Master yi: Before playing as master Yi for your first time go ahead and watch Iron monkey then proceed to chant the phrase "I know kung-fu" as you stack DPS items and carry your team.
Morgana: Stay behind a nearby tank/hardest hitting DPS character and spam your shield as its all you're good for.
Mundo: Stack six warmogs, drop your flaming balls, your ult, and run into the enemy team. Don't worry, executioner callings can't do a **** thing to you.
Nidalee: Nidalee is like simon says, once you figure out the pattern you can amaze your friends. The pattern goes: Heal, cougar, pounce, pounce, human, heal, spear, cougar pounce pounce, human heal spear cougar pounce pounce. Trust me, everything dies.
Nasus: Stand in front of the enemy team, go down to about half hit points, drop your circle around yourself, ult, spam your killer hit, hit fast enemies with your slow, and run around in a circle while everything dies. You don't even need an auto attack.
Nunu: Get Banshee's veil, a ton of AP stack items, and spam your ult. For some reason the enemy team will always think "Oh shi- nunu ult" instead of "I have four seconds to stun him." The one guy who is smart enough to do that will eat banshee veil.
Pantheon: Spam ****ty 300 quotes every time you use a skill. When you throw a spear yell "Even the God king can bleed", when you hit them with a shield yell "Looks like our friends are thirsty, lets give them a drink", when you rapid stab with your spear yell "Tonight we dine in hell!" and when you sparta bomb yell "THIS IS SPARTA!". Also, stop being a fat **** and go outside and excercise. You tubs of lard need to stop aspiring to be a bad ass and actually do it.
Poppy: 1. Pick poppy 2. Roll face on keyboard 3.
? 4. profit. For best results get sheen and mash Q
Rammus: Stand by your turret at level 1 and spam taunt, then buy a warmog, a thornmail, three sunfire capes, and a boots of swiftness/tabai. Everything will die.
Ryze: Smash QWERQWERQWERQWERQWER until your fingers bleed and your keyboard doesn't work. Congratulations, you're the team carry
Shaco: buy sword of the occult, infinity edge, crit damage runes, and then Mash Q, then lol as you crit for over 9000!
Singed: Get ghost, get your ult, get boots of swiftness, stack AP, charge, throw ****. Great success.
Sion: Put your shield up and charge into the enemy base yelling "FREEEEEEEDOM!" Don't worry. No one on the enemy team is smart enough to figure out "If I hurt sion his shield won't blow up on me ". Don't worry about sucking with sion, it is literally impossible to not carry your team as him.
Sivir: Throw boomerangs. Eventually your boomerangs will magically hit a minion then bounce and go after a hero thats all the way across the map and deck him in the face dealing 400 damage (even though its a rebound) and kill them instantly. Also, that boomerang you have? Spam that. Doesn't matter where you throw that boomerang, its range will change just to make sure it hits that one hero at 1/4 health twice and kills them dead.
Soraka: Stand behind any tank and play "Heavy, Medic" combo. Neither of you will die.... ever.
Taric: Seeing as taric is useless and cannot benefit your team in any way shape or form upon picking taric your best bet is to actually stay at base and "/all" the Jem theme song. Lyrics include "Jem is excitement (ooh jem) glammer and glitter, fashion and fame, truly outragous, truly truly truly outragous." Don't worry, no one expects anything more from taric.
Teemo: Put mushrooms everywhere! You can put a mushroom at your spawn point and I guarantee you in thirty seconds or less an enemy hero is going to bump into said mushroom and die a horribly slow and painful death. You will get more kills while dead than you will while alive, only person who can even compare is Karthus.
Tristana: As a general rule of thumb, anything that is blue skinned will rape your horribly. Don't believe me? Poppy, twisted fate, Tristana, evelynn, mundo, ryze, and veigar. Needless to say: Play tristana, jump in a windowless van, rape everything.
Trynmadere: Team up with a kayle, have her blow her ult, then blow your own. End the game in 12 seconds. Ignore any and all masturbation jokes or you will fail.
Twisted fate: Do an AP build with a lich bane because "that's what the top 500 players do" and amaze people as your ****ty AP stack actually manages to kill stuff simply because people can't dodge a ****ing wild card.
Twitch: Pick twitch then blindfold yourself and randomly click your mouse. Chances are you will be your team's carry.
Udyr: Udyr is a bit tricky. By tricky I mean its hard to decide if you want to spam turtle or bear stance first. Most of the time though you can't fail if you jump into a bush, spam turtle, then spam bear and run at your enemies screaming "I'M A ****ING BEAR!"
Veigar: Pop a playpen every time you get the chance. Doesn't matter where you put it I guarantee you you'll hit a hero with it and the hero you hit will die in three seconds or less regardless of where they are or if anyone is even remotely near them.
Warwick: Pick warwick, then in team chat type "Lol, JK" and pick a real hero.
Zilean: Spam bombs. You are the bomberman of LoL. Also, thanks to a lack of foresight (no time jokes) on the riot devs part, they forget to incorporate darleks so you can feel free to run rampant around the map knowing no one is capable of threatening you.
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